Donna

When I worked at the IGA in Alberta, from around 96 through to 2002, there was a lady who worked there for a good portion of the time. Her name was Donna and she was older than I was by quite a few years, although I don’t know her actual age. At work she was mostly quiet and just got on with the job.

Donna was a heavy smoker. You know the type: her hair, which was mostly gray, was yellowed in the front from nicotine staining. Her fingers were stained. In a 15 minute coffee break she could suck back up to 3 cigarettes. She always smelled of smoke. I smoked at the time and so spent my breaks in the smoker’s room, and she smelled of smoke to me.

She also had that deep gravelly smokers voice that lent to the overall image of her as a long time party-er. I didn’t know her outside of work and she didn’t participate in any of the staff functions that I remember, but I did hear her talk of being so far in debt, and boyfriends who were not very nice, and her nightly customary visit to a bar, which may have been a second job tending bar. I am not sure if I ever had any reason to make the connection but she reminded me a bit of the people in the movie Bar Fly.

I was in my 30s then and was intensely busy with university and two jobs, just trying to pay my rent and bills and get good grades. I do recall saying with a there but for the grace of God attitude that I hoped I’d never find myself in that kind of situation where no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t get myself out of debt. Her life from my perspective seemed to be enveloped in depression and hopelessness. I did not ever want to be like her. The thought being in my 50s, single, and so far in debt was both terrifying and seemingly unrealistic.

And here I am, turning 60 this year, single and unemployed. I no longer smoke and haven’t for almost 25 years, and I am not in debt. I have claimed bankruptcy in the past so I don’t have a great credit score. I rent an apartment. I drive a 95 Ford Ranger I inherited from my Dad. And I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.

I have been job hunting since January. It is now mid-August. I have sent resumes and cover letters to more places than I can count, some multiple times for different positions, and I can count on one hand the number of responses I received. One response was very nice saying they had received over 70 applicants for one position so it came down to direct experience, which I did not have. Another response that wasn’t so nice saying I didn’t have the qualifications they were looking for. One interview that resulted in a job I actually accepted at the farm picking produce. I lasted about 2 weeks before my body said no way, hardest job I have ever had. And a couple other responses to let me know they received my information.

My life choices have brought me to where I am, just as Donna’s own life choices led her to where she was in life at the time I knew her, and presumably beyond then. I have no idea whatever happened to her or where she ended up. I hope she found some joy and contentment in her life.

Depression has followed me most of my adult life, and has impacted my decision making process; however, I have also found joy and happiness, or perhaps I should say, I have created or brought joy into my life doing things that make me happy, like growing things.

Looking for work is innately disheartening since I am putting myself out there to be rejected over and over. Even hearing nothing back is a kind of rejection. Yet rejection is part of being alive.

And I think of Donna and where I didn’t want to be in my life, and I mostly just feel sad.