Commitment Issues
I want to talk about commitment issues which I know I have, and this blog thing is one more layer of proof. I have not managed to write more than once every couple weeks. While I am busy, I spend an inordinate amount of time doom scrolling while YouTube plays true crime in the background, so lack of time doesn’t work as an excuse. I try to convince myself that procrastination is a character flaw of mine, that I am being lazy, that I don’t know what to write. I do, however, realize that there is more going on underneath the excuses. For one thing, I know I have a deep-seated fear of rejection, of being found wanting or less than – less than the intelligent person I know I am, less than the beautiful, gentle, caring soul I know I am; that I am not worth the time it takes to read what I write. This fear is not linear. It is not singular. It infiltrates into every aspect of my life.
I have thought about, talked about, made a few half-hearted attempts at writing. I have numerous poems I wrote in University, many of which I still think are good. The words still resonate. I have attempted to write poems in the years since however I lack the confidence to revise honestly, and to reach out for honest critiques.
My loose plan for my blog was to create a space to share my thoughts, my poetry, story ideas, and so on. Then the fear hits. I have created a blog page. I paid the money for the domain. My page doesn’t look how I want it to, and it is far more challenging than I thought it would be to operate within the programs. And what if I do all the work, write all the words, let people into the vulnerabilities within, and it fails. No one wants to read it. I am found wanting.
I have struggled with similar fears in baking and cake decorating. I am a good baker. I am a talented cake decorator. Yet I often procrastinate with anxiety before starting a project for the very same reasons. My therapist would tell me to shut my EGO down. And I know she is right. When I get my head out of the way and create from my heart, everything goes smoother.
My current job hunt shares in the chaotic spiral of anxiety and fear as well. I have applied to so many positions and have been told no many times, and most often, have heard nothing. Crickets. As I react to the rejection, I begin to lose confidence and self-assurance, and I am certain this shows in the writing of cover letters. Some I have almost copy and pasted from one to the next regardless of the job I’m applying for.
What does this say about me? I don’t know exactly. What can I do about it? Well, I can breathe. I can tap out the physical reaction to anxiety. I can work on telling myself with conviction and honesty that I am of value and I am important.
I matter.
And I can write.
