Mirrors and affirmations
I recently had a visit with my counsellor during which the subject of how we talk to ourselves came up. We agreed that speaking to yourself the way you speak to your beloved dog would be the optimal inner speak, yet for me at least, I speak to creepy spiders nicer than I do to myself.
I have been unemployed since January. I have applied for many jobs but so far the answer has been no. I started out looking for jobs that I actually want and can see myself enjoying, ignoring the minimum wage jobs I could get but don’t want. The local Walmart, for example, is always hiring a multitude of positions. I previously worked there for 13 years, beginning when it was in the top 5 businesses in Canada. Now Walmart isn’t even in the top 100. That’s neither here nor there but going back to work there feels like defeat.
Traditionally, I under-value my self. My self-talk is usually something like I’m not good enough or I don’t know enough and No one wants me. And so I convince myself, and end up feeling not enough. During the months of job hunting and either hearing nothing or hearing No, along with my inner dialogue, and inevitably I am spiralling into a pit of doom, to the point where I no longer even want to apply to any job I am really interested in.
Years ago, probably not long after leaving Walmart, my counsellor assigned me the simple sounding task of looking into the mirror, into my own eyes and saying I Love You, and You are worthy of love. This was so hard. At first I could barely make eye-contact, and if I managed to speak at all, my voice was barely more than a whisper and lacked any sort of conviction. I worked for months before I could speak those words and mean them. Even longer before I felt the words and the truth in them.
During this more recent visit, my counsellor assigned a new task: To say out loud and with conviction, as though my life depended on it, I am important and I am of value. This exercise has been almost as challenging as the previous one and is still very much a work in progress. Today, as I drove to deliver resumes with cover letters, which have been ready for months, to a few particular places that are on my wish list of places I’d like to work, I found myself repeating these words like a mantra. And I meant them. I feel the conviction of them.
Interesting that I felt my posture change – shoulders dropped, back straighten, taking up space. As I got out of my truck, I repeated I am important. I am of value. I am worthy. I hope that my new found conviction looked like confidence and self-assurance. And perhaps, I will get the job of my dreams.
