Anxiety
I want to talk about anxiety.
Cue the song….Its my anxiety. Keep on trying me I feel it quietly….
The first time I am aware of being in the midst of a full blown anxiety attack, the kind where I couldn’t breathe right, and felt sick and shaky, and also couldn’t reach out for assistance, was in an art class in College when I had to get up and do a critique of someone else’s work. Needless to say, I failed the assignment and I don’t think I ever took another art class after that. That was around 30 years ago in the late 90s.
This is probably not the first I experienced an anxiety attack, just the first time I was aware of what was happening while it was happening. I’m sure anxiety is a human condition and so has been around as long as humans have. I don’t know what its purpose is except perhaps to keep us from danger, you know fight or flight; however, now it prevents me from doing a lot of things, like interacting with people, having company in my home, going to concerts and other outings, sometimes even from going grocery shopping. It seems often when family gatherings are occurring, I wake up not feeling well and I don’t know if I am genuinely getting sick or if it is anxiety caused. Usually I can’t take the chance of being near people who are immune compromised so I don’t go. And yes, then I am struck by guilt.
Sometimes my phone rings, or a text message chimes, and I can see who it is, and I just can’t answer. Sometimes it takes me a week to return a call. I’ve put off some important calls for far longer. And again, I’m struck by guilt because I know it is not that hard. But it also feels impossible.
I thought for a while that the dentist caused me anxiety. It does but not the way I thought. Every time I needed to get frozen, which is often since I have wimpy teeth, I could feel my blood pressure spike, my chest tighten, vision narrow to tunnel vision, and my ability to articulate what was happening evaporate. Turns out I am very sensitive to one ingredient in the local anaesthetic and the reaction is very similar to an anxiety attack. Also allergic to latex so the latex gloves and the rubber dam in my mouth exacerbate the breathing issue. Who knew! Now my dentist doesn’t have anything latex in the office, and there is a big note in my chart to avoid the specific freezing that affects me. I get nervous still, and don’t like getting work done, but its not anxiety.
The duplex I have called home for more than a decade, is rarely organized and tidy. I have too much stuff and struggle to get to a point where things have homes and are also easily accessible when I need them. Often when I baking, I spend as much time finding what I need as I do mixing and baking. My closet regularly ends up with everything pulled out onto my bed because I can’t find or don’t remember if I still have a particular shirt or pants or sweater. I don’t know if this chaos is the result or a symptom of anxiety/ depression, but I imagine both.
I have learned many ways to assist in dealing with anxiety, largely from my amazing counsellor, using techniques such as yoga breathing, tapping, eye movement meditation, and so on. Physiologically, excess energy is trapped with no where to go so it builds up and for me, most often sits around my heart/sternum area. Sometimes the brings on acid re-flux and excessive air, and sometimes it brings with it a low grade feeling if impending doom. And then sometimes full on anxiety attack.
My intention here is not to whine about this nor am I aiming for sympathy. I want to start conversation about this. How many other people function every day, go to work, interact with people, pick up the phone, and millions of other little things, all the while fighting with anxiety and or depression? I suspect many. I have struggled with depression most of my adult life, with some anxiety thrown in, but I am also very capable and strong. I can and do accomplish anything I set my mind to regardless of anxiety. The path of least resistance is easier, of course, so I often find myself alone at home scrolling the screen of doom wondering how I got to this place in my life and if this is where I want to be. Change is scary though.
Its my anxiety coming to follow me…..
