Love and Friends

I am a pretty good judge of character and have had many really good friends over the years. My best friend and I lost touch for over a decade and when we reconnected, we were right back to laughing uncontrollably, understanding each other’s thought progression without words, leading to more laughter. I am so thankful for her.

Today I want to talk about a different friend, who I will call Dee. I met her in my mid-twenties while I was attending a church near my home, and was really enjoying a Young Adults group. My life had changed significantly over the past couple years. I was no longer drinking or partying. My long time friend and roommate had moved to Calgary and I didn’t have the same kind of connection with my current roommates. I met Dee at one of the YA meetings. She got up to testify near the end of the meeting. I was unfamiliar with the concept of testifying and thought she was very brave.

We were at numerous events as a group over a few months but rarely spoke to each other until one day as I was exiting and she was entering the church building. I could see she was experiencing something emotionally and I said to her “It will be over soon.” As in This too shall pass. This relatively minor interaction a had profound effect on Dee, perhaps even saved her life.

I didn’t see her or talk to her for months after that and when she did reappear, we became friends, hanging out sometimes and talking about some really deep topics. Over a few years our friendship deepened until I would say she was one of my best friends. She even ended up as a roommate for a while. We were friends for several years, supporting each other through some significantly and emotionally challenging ordeals. I loved her and was so thankful for her support and friendship in my life.

Having undergone some traumatic life-changing events, I had moved to Victoria to my Mom’s house, and then a couple years later, was moving to Alberta. During the move, I went over and stayed with Dee for a day or two. The plan was that I would meet my parents near the ferry, and we would travel together to my new place in Alberta. Mom and Ray in their truck and camper, and me in my little Honda 5-speed. So, I hugged Dee goodbye, and headed off to meet my folks. As we got ready to head away, what do I see but Dee speeding up. She jumps out and runs over and tells me she loves me, tearfully and with great sincerity. I think that’s so sweet, kind of odd, but sweet.

While I’m out in AB, I speak to her fairly often. She comes out to visit me. During a few of our phone conversations and when she was there, she got upset and slightly angry with me because I wasn’t hearing her. I give her space to feel whatever she is feeling and figure we can talk it over at some other time when emotions are less volatile. A few months after her visit, she calls me and tells me it is over. She is ending our relationship because I am not in it like she is. She says she feels like we are not on the same page. She loves me and I don’t love her back.

What!

What did I miss?

Apparently when she drove like a bat of hell to meet me before I left for AB to tell me she loved me, she meant something much more significant than I was prepared for. I knew she had struggled with her sexuality. We had many deep conversations about such things, although I was never unsure about being heterosexual, and I thought that was a well known fact.

So all this time, she had been in love with me, in a romantic kind of way. In hindsight, I can see so many times where she meant one thing and I understood something completely different. I did not toy with her nor intentionally lead her to believe I felt the same way she did. I was completely oblivious. Like seriously oblivious. I honestly thought we were speaking the same language, like we understood the words to mean the same things.

It took a long time for me to process what had occurred and to mourn the loss of one of my best friends. I felt like I had been blindsided. Rejection and abandonment are two things I don’t deal well with. A good part of my healing journey has been centred on them. Perhaps I am a good judge of character or perhaps not. I am certainly more wary when meeting new people.

Post Script: We reconnected briefly on Facebook a couple years ago. She is now living with her best friend, Barb, and they have 2 dogs together. I am glad she found her way to happiness and companionship

Photo by Haberdoedas on Unsplash